It is now mid afternoon. The wind chimes sound their sweet musical alarms at brief gusts of air which bring them to life. A cold front came through this morning, bringing lead skies and rain, but has hurried through, leaving behind cool breezes which caress my cheeks. Citified bagworm cocoons hang in my neighbor’s trees, protecting their leaf eating citizens as they grow into adults. The adjacent beech tree shows splashes of red, forecasting a gaudy display of audacious crimson red in a few weeks. Bright orange seed clusters adorn the feathery green tops of the adult arbor vitae at the side of the house. Straight ahead, the dogwood shows diffuse red measles berry spots, accenting its dense cluster of tear drop tan-green leaves. It is apparently oblivious to the fact that we are several months away from Christmas, when red and green naturally belong together. The Granny Smith apples, up to now hidden in the greenery of their tree, have become large enough to show, promising an apple pie harvest in a few weeks. The butterfly bushes still show brush strokes of purple, blue, violet and white. At the very back of the yard, a wide swath of light green new grass shows where the new sewer line was just put in. At this point, Bill greenback hummingbird zooms up the feeder, intent on a mid day meal, but is promptly dive bombed by Earl grayback hummingbird, who was obviously standing watch in the large trees by the shed. They swoop away around the side of the house in a rush. While they are away, Ruby red throat hummingbird sweeps in, hovers sedately while dipping and sipping her early supper, then suddenly leaves before the warring males return. It is almost fall, and the sun, although still warm, has turned more golden yellow, showing splotchy slanted Rorschach patterns through the trees and the gazebo. If there is a paradise on earth, I think, this must be it, at this time.
This beautiful setting creates a deep reverence in my soul, and a deep satisfaction in this life, this gift to be able to appreciate such wonder. Yet, the bipolar opposite of this feeling of unity with all of life, is once again starting to creep around the corner. It happens every year at this time. You would think that all the blessings of harvest, colors and myriad forms of life would bring a great calm, a great sense of fulfillment. It’s not happening that way. The sense of loss, sadness, and the need to struggle through life alone, is building. The depression gets worse each week, and will not stop until the first frost. I remember when it began.
It was the start of the sophomore year in college. I had arrived early, by choice, thinking it would be good to acclimate to academics for a few days before the rush of classes began. What I found was a deserted campus. Summer classes had ended and gone, and no one else had come early for the fall quarter. An early cold snap hit the deserted grounds and buildings. What I had never considered before in my life, suddenly hit me with sudden and overwhelming finality. It was something I had never before considered in my life. I had always, up to this point in my life, been surrounded by siblings, caring parents, neighbors, and schools of children. There was always the need to relate to some other person about something. Now, they were all gone. I was alone. This unwanted realization crept over me, that I was not only alone at this time, but was alone for the rest of my life. I was a single life organism, trying to find a way to survive in the midst of all other forms of life, all of whom, or which, were most concerned with their own survival, and not necessarily mine. This understanding fills my soul with sadness every year at this time, and does not leave until the cold demands increased attention to survival.
This single concept does not stand alone. It has far reaching meaning as to the human condition. Although it does cause this yearly depression, it has also provided insight into what human society is all about, in individual and collective ways. It clarifies exactly what our relationship is to the rest of the universe. It means that each of us is all alone, not just me, and that each of us is trying to find a way to our fulfillment in the midst of all other forms of life which have, as their primary goal, their own survival. It means that, if we follow behavior which focuses only on individual needs, the result is anarchy. We come to realize that we must cooperate with all other humans, in order for each of us to reach fulfillment. We realize that we must consider all other humans as our sisters, brothers, parents and children for the human species to survive. We come to understand that our lives are a struggle of learning how to live in our environment without polluting or destroying, or else we have no home. We come to the most unwelcome conclusion that it is us, as a species, against the universe, which cares nothing about our survival.
These are lessons we, as humans, have been loath to accept. Accept them we must, however, if we are to survive much longer on the surface of the planet earth. We invent religious consoling concepts that someone or something is out there in the universe who is personal, who loves us and is leading us to a grand destiny of total goodness. These religious concepts lead us to destructive behavior directed toward our planet home, and toward each other. These religious concepts lead us to deny our aloneness. Unless we embrace our aloneness, and all the implications of that aloneness, we do not have much longer to live as a species.