Men struggle to understand women, and women struggle to understand men. Even those who are the most deeply in love find that they are expressing themselves differently. It is as if men are talking on one wave length and women are talking on a different wave length. They say things to each other and somehow find a way to communicate, but it is often a difficult task. Each of them finds themselves constantly thinking about what the other said and trying to figure out what it means. Every attitude and utterance has to be interpreted. Every body position and action has to undergo analysis. When they think they understand each other, they sometimes find that they did not understand at all. Why in the world are we so different, and why is it so hard for us to understand each other?
Well, if you know the answer to this one, you can make a million dollars; you can be a John Gray or Dr. Phil, and have millions of people hanging on every word. If there is someone who seems to even halfway understand how men and women can get along better, we are all ears. There is not any one of us who has not realized with great frequency that our partner said one thing but meant quite another thing. The arguments seem endless, with countless variations on those disagreements, all because each thinks that the other understands their words, when they are not understood at all.
There are men and women who relate well to each other and have a stable, loving relationship. It does not always come easily. They both have to spend a lot of time with each other to achieve that understanding of the needs and expressions of each other. Without that extra effort at understanding each other, many misinterpretations occur. Men tend to make simple statements and not explain what else they mean. Women tend to be polite, rather than blunt, and expect that their need will be understood. Without extra effort, neither may express themselves fully.
It’s not just language. Men and women have different hormones that drive them to act differently in their lives. Two individuals who are identical in every way except that one is a man and one is a woman will be greatly different people. It is that way from the very beginning of their lives. It really becomes a problem when the hormones hit them hard. They try out several partners until they find the right one. Once a monogamous relationship is established to the mutual satisfaction of both, things are peachy for a while. If their relationship lasts until they begin a family, then it often becomes strained. Men often want sex more frequently. Once a woman has children, she doesn’t have that on her mind. She wants it only on her time and on her terms, and not at any other time. He is often after her to have sex, and she is often putting him off. At that point, some men stray, and the majority of women, once they find out, are so deeply hurt they want no more of that relationship. They go off to find someone else who truly cares, and the whole process starts all over again for both of them.
This does not mean to say that we should not try to control our hormonal behavior in order to build stable relationships, stable families, and a stable society. We should do that. Men and women in a marital relationship may look admiringly at other men and women, wondering how pleasurable sexual play would be with them, but should allow those hormonal impulses to go no further. Both need to be less demanding and more giving to make that marriage work. Monogamous male/female relationships are the key to stable families and by that means, a stable society. A stable society benefits us all.
Organized religion would have us believe that marriage is something divinely ordained by God, in which two partially divine people shall become as one divine entity, belong completely to each other, understand each other fully, and shall not cleave until death shall them part. That often gets us into trouble. In the first place, there isn’t anything divine about it. It is two individuals who will remain individuals all of their lives, always have separate thoughts, feelings, desires, needs, beliefs and identity, but who make a commitment to each other to do the best they can to control their animal instincts so that they can make a stable society. They are never one, and no one other person fully owns them. They make these commitments for their own good, for the good of their partner, and for the good of their society. There isn’t any Superpower who is soldering us together and ripping us apart at whichever time and in whichever way He wishes. It’s up to us, no one else. We are the animals who have to inhibit our impulses in order to build a stable society. It may be frustrating at times for both men and women, but the rewards are immense.